My new favorite.

I just found and bought what is now my new favorite birthday card ever. On the outside is a black and white picture of two children on an amusement park ride, with a top and bottom trim in shades of blue. Red print near the top reads, "Hope your birthday is somewhere on a scale between 'totally freaked out' and 'I may have just wet my pants.'" The inside is orange, and contains only the following words, in white.

Happy! Birthday! to! You!

I absolutely love this card.

It reminds me of another old favorite card. This one is a Halloween card. The outside reads something like, "If in the middle of the night you hear a scritch-scratch sound at your window, don't worry. It's just a tree branch." Inside, it reads something like, "That's how zombies open windows." The original writing was better, but I don't remember it. Somewhat surprisingly, it appears that I actually sent that card to someone, instead of keeping it for myself.

Last year when I was on the job market, my sister sent me a great card, which is still hanging over my desk. On the front is a hand sticking out of a shark's mouth, making an "okay" sign with its fingers. The top of the card reads simply "POSITIVE ATTITUDE". The bottom reads, "...the difference between being eaten alive by a shark and being okey-dokey." Many of my students have noticed that card, and think it's hysterical.

Many years ago, in high school, my best friend's family gave me a birthday card that still makes me chuckle. On the outside it reads, "When they made you, they really broke the mold." It continues inside with, "Rumor has it they beat the hell out of the mold-maker, too."

Even more years ago, when I was in elementary school, I bought a great Valentine's Day card for this girl I had a huge crush on. On the front was a guy holding bunch of flowers, looking excitedly up at the reader and confirming, "You'll be my Valentine, you'll bestill my beating heart?" Inside, the guy has fallen on his face, with an accompanying "thump". Awesome. I love onomatopeia.

Actually, I recall that there is a super-villain named Onomatopeia, originally appearing in a Green Arrow comic book. He's awesome, because he repeats out loud any sounds that occur near him (except speech). So in the comic book, you might see the text "THWACK" representing a sound effect, and then a beat later a word balloon coming from this guy, representing him saying "Thwack". My favorite thing that I remember about this guy is when he was hiding behind a doorway waiting to sneak attack Connor Hawke. Connor hears a SQUEAK from the door, then hears Onomatopeia say "Squeak". Then Conner says, "Squeak?", realizes something is up, and ducks, all just in time to avoid Onomatopeia's attack.

Incidentally, that character, as well as that scene I described, were created by artist Phil Hester and writer Kevin Smith. That's right, Silent Bob himself.